Spotting a Narcissist

 Signs You Are Married To A Narcissist

divorcing a narcassist






Obsession To Detest

1. At first, they are almost obsessed with you; they will buy you beautiful things, wine and dine you, and tell you everything you have ever wanted to hear. They quickly build you up and then slowly tear you down. They are extremely sly, and their victim, even the most confident will start questioning their worth. Prior to being involved with a narcissist, I had an extremely healthy self image. I was determined, focused and unwavering in my pursuits but since my divorce, his belittling, rage and threats have manifested in my thoughts, actions and dreams. Positive thinking has been replaced with  cynicism and dread.

What About Me?

2. Its ALL about them. Sure, in the beginning they have an uncanny ability to fake sensitivity towards you, but then suddenly they turn aloof and every conversation will lead back to them and their amazing lives, accomplishments, delusional pasts and forecasts. Shortly after they have established their importance, a narcissist will cunningly alienate you from your friends, family and even your children. A narcissists role is paramount, and he can have nothing distracting you from your role as servant to their unquenchable desire for attention, admiration and empathy.

Rules Of Engagement

3. Once they have baited and hooked you, a narcissist will strategically start dictating the rules of the game. Sometimes it appears as if they are making up their own idiosyncrasies in order to separate themselves from the ordinary, as that is one of  their greatest fears. Again, he might start out with something small. In my case, my narcissist refused to close the bathroom door when using it. Shortly thereafter he removed all the locks on our bedroom doors, removing all our privacy and defenses. These types of actions speak directly to the narcissists’ lack of respect for others boundaries, because we are all here to serve them, they reign superior. Countless women have revealed to me how their narcissist would take such pleasure in walking in on them while they were using the bathroom or some other vulnerable act.  Mine, reveled in the fact that I was ill while pregnant. I would beg to be left alone while I vomited but he refused and would sit on the tub smiling, while I hurled into the commode.

Feeding Frenzy

4. With all their grandiose talk, it is surprising to learn that narcissists actually suffer from a very low self esteem. This is why they contrive stories about their pasts and their current situations, their reality is actually bleak. A narcissists insecurities are raging thus their constant need to feed off others.  Narcissists continually need an audience and rarely fail to disappoint their viewers as they are typically very dramatic and command center stage. Narcissists use this attention to boost their crumbling sense of self worth and ride high on that collective energy.

The Reviews Are In

5. If you have found yourself to be one of those audience members, beware should you decide to release a negative review or leave their performance. Narcissists abhor criticism, no matter its delivery or intent.  Their ego’s are extremely  fragile and precious to them and when bruised, expect payback. Should you choose to leave them, be prepared to loose everything you hold dear. They have no moral limits and a narcissist will use whatever they can to destroy you. I have often likened a narcissist to a hornet, if you discover one is near it is best to leave their space quickly. If you stay and defend yourself you better kill the menace, because if you swat and miss it will attack full force, even if it means their own demise.


5. Narcissists are master manipulators and they must employ their powers of persuasion to keep you from leaving. These powers include, but most certainly are not limited to, their delusions of grandeur, trickery and preying on any insecurities you might have. The latter is probably the most chilling because narcissists hone in on what we are most vulnerable to. When my narcissistic eX husband sensed my plans to leave, he threatened my home, my career, my family and eventually used my child as a pawn in his pursuit of  revenge.

Owning it

6. Finally, if you have come to the conclusion that it’s all your narcissists fault, think again. Believe it or not  if you have found yourself involved with a narcissist and are having difficulties separating yourself, you have actually attracted them into your life. That’s right, narcissists prey on the weak, like hyenas who lurk in the bushes keeping watch for the injured, needy and fearful. Narcissists also look for those, like myself,  who tend to avoid conflict and often think the best of people, even when warned about them. Once you allow a narcissist to capture you they begin indoctrinating you with their rules, terms and games. The fear you once had is manifested through continued neglect, making you doubt your own self worth and suddenly they become the panacea for all your trials. Initially, you will be confused by a narcissists behavior but over time you will become conditioned to accept their reality as your own.

I am never an advocate for divorce, however if you have come to the stark realization that you are married to a narcissist, the only thing you can do is get out quick. They will destroy you from the inside out and their motives and means are often too sinister to recognize before it is too late. Narcissists never get better, are never satisfied and will never put your needs before their own agendas.



1 comment on this postSubmit yours
  1. Good article. In No. 5 “The Reviews Are In,” I am reminded by the idea by some that actors are narcissists, at least good actors. If that is the case, one can see one factor in how Hollywood is not known as a environment for good marriages and good family relationships.


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