Dear Divorce Guru:
First THANK YOU for such an amazing book…I was in an abusive relationship and my divorce became final on 12/30/10….your point about taking responsibility for “choosing him” was hard but dead on.
I’m just starting to date again and have lucked into talking to a guy via match.com that has potential. Your book was a good kick in the head to remind myself to not get too worked up about him, but since we already started talking (not even full week but daily contact) I’m wondering if I’ve done too much damage with sex talk.
We’ve gone back/forth flirting and talking about favorite positions which is a “no” in your book. He assures me he wants to get to know me, and i have chosen not to answer more expicit questions he has asked. So should I playfully shut the door on the sex topic during our next conversation or am I already doomed to just being a conquest?
Thanks again…just wish I found You a week earlier!
Thanks so much for reaching out to me! I’m glad you read my book “From Ex to Next: An Empowered Woman’s Guide to Dating after Breakup or Divorce.” It appears you learned quite a bit from it…maybe just a little too late. We all make mistakes, so don’t beat yourself up about it.
Here’s the deal girly: chalk this man up to a lost cause…who probably wasn’t even a cause to begin with. Being the prolific online dater that I am, I’ve been in your shoes (preferably fabulous hot pink stilettos!) and have been down this road. It’s a fun road, I’m not disputing that. But it’s a road that will NOT lead you to a respectful, wonderful relationship.
No man will start “talking” about sex right away that wants a committed relationship. This guy is trying to get in your pants. He doesn’t want to date you, he wants to sex you. And if that’s what you want, hey, go for it. But I know Samantha, that that’s not what you want.
You want a nice man to date you, to take you out to dinner, to cuddle on the sofa with, to spend time with. You will not get this by induldging the whims of a man who in the first week starts talking with you about his favorite sexual position. Whoa, buddy, this screams: “I don’t respect you, I just wanna get laid!”
Here’s a great lesson I learned from my co-author Mike the MasterDater: guys will test you. If they mention something sexual very, very soon after meeting you, and you go with it, you are put into the category of eaaaasssssyyyyy aka my next booty call. If you ignore his sex talk or tell him to cut it out, you either get no more attention from him (which is usually a good thing) or you get labeled as “a woman I can respect.” Which category do you want to be filed under?
Like I stated earlier, don’t beat yourself up for talking sex so early with a virtual stranger (get it, “virtual”!) Many, many of my readers and clients have fallen into the same thinking…I have. Your divorce is newly final, you were in an abusive marriage, and you want love. Some guy starts giving you some attention, any attention, and you’re flattered. You feel accepted. You feel wanted.
Your Divorce Guru is here for you. Don’t bring up anything sexual to this guy or any future guys. When he brings up sex (because he will-you’ve been supplying the goods) ignore that text. If he asks why you didn’t answer that text let him know you’re not really cool with talking about such an intimate subject anymore, you made a mistake, and you’re done with the sex talk.
If you hear from him again, great, you just got yourself a fresh start. But there’s a 99% chance you’ll never hear from him again. Make that 99.9%. I know this sounds harsh but it’s true. But remember he’s not the only guy on Match.com. Or online, or in the world. You learned a good lesson. Now go forth and give your valuable time to a man who’s interested in more than your favorite sexual position. You are worthy of so much more! Trust me, I’m a Divorce Guru.
p.s. And one more thing: you didn’t “luck” into talking to this guy. He lucked into talking to you-remember that!
*Name has been changed to protect identity
About The Author
Previously published on http://www.examiner.com