Help, My Military Man Cheated And Fathered A Child.

Divorce And Infidelity

Divorce_Cheating

Adultery in a military family carries a price for everyone involved. When the paternity of a child is at stake, the price is unimaginably high.

This week, “Still in Shock” wrote that she thought her husband of 15 years had great morals. The man is a sergeant major and a deacon of their church.  She writes:

 Dear Ms. Vicki,

I found out three months ago that my husband has been living a lie. He has a child with a woman at my church. My husband has submitted to paternity testing and the child is definitely his. This homewrecking hussy has ruined my marriage. Out of all of the men out there, why did she have to go after my husband? My husband keeps crying, telling me he made a mistake and he wants to save our marriage.

How can we explain to our children they have a brother? I don’t think I can get over the embarrassment and shame. My husband said the affair is over and that he is a changed man. How can I believe that? I love my husband, but I don’t think I can get over this.

Sincerely,
“Still in Shock”

Dear Still In Shock,

It will take a lot of healing for your marriage to be saved and the healing has to begin quickly. The longer the resentment and guilt fester, the gap will become wider and wider between you and your husband.

First things first, I think you need to attend another church. Surely, you can find another place for spiritual support. I just don’t think the healing will take place as long as you have to look across the pews at the woman who had a sexual relationship and child with your husband.

Second, remember the children. They are innocent in all of this. I know it will be hard, but take the high road and don’t lash out at this woman or the child.

Third, work on some forgiveness. You sound shocked and hurt.  You also sound like you want to save your marriage. The one sign that tells me when a marriage is surely over is when the forgiveness stops. When a husband or wife cannot find the capacity to forgive, the marriage is over.

Forgiveness is a choice in my opinion. I won’t be critical of you if you cannot forgive your husband. It’s up to you. It will also take some intensive counseling. You see, there are reasons for this affair. Your husband has to be honest with you and willing to discuss why and how it happened. I think you should contact TRICARE (877-874-2273) and Military OneSource (800-342-9647) for marital counseling. They will connect you with a provider in your local community. Ask for someone who specializes in marriage and family therapy.

This is difficult, but I have seen marriages survive situations like yours. With a lot of work, the marriages have emerged much stronger.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

 

About The Author

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master’s of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.

Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column “Dear Ms. Vicki” that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times.

2 total comments on this postSubmit yours
  1. Yes, indeed CHANGE CHURCHES….that is ridiculous. I cannot even imagine how Faith challenging this must be for Still In Shock, but nothing compared to her road to forgiveness. For myself, forgiveness has been the most difficult and I still struggle with it daily. When I consulted with my Pastor about my inability to forgive, he recommended that I give myself time as it is more important to protect yourself and come to grips with the pain before you start beating yourself up about Not being able to forgive fast or good enough. It’s a work in progress for me…good luck Still In Shock.

  2. No way, if your man cheats on you and has a baby with her from your CHURCH, that is not cool and you should kick him out and divorce him now. Once a cheater always a cheater. He aint worth forgiving.

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