Obsession To Detest

1. At first, they are almost obsessed with you; they will buy you beautiful things, wine and dine you, and tell you everything you have ever wanted to hear. They quickly build you up and then slowly tear you down. They are extremely sly, and their victim, even the most confident will start questioning their worth. Prior to being involved with a narcissist, I had an extremely healthy self image. I was determined, focused and unwavering in my pursuits but since my divorce, his belittling, rage and threats have manifested in my thoughts, actions and dreams. Positive thinking has been replaced with  cynicism and dread.

What About Me?

2. Its ALL about them. Sure, in the beginning they have an uncanny ability to fake sensitivity towards you, but then suddenly they turn aloof and every conversation will lead back to them and their amazing lives, accomplishments, delusional pasts and forecasts. Shortly after they have established their importance, a narcissist will cunningly alienate you from your friends, family and even your children. A narcissists role is paramount, and he can have nothing distracting you from your role as servant to their unquenchable desire for attention, admiration and empathy.

Rules Of Engagement

3. Once they have baited and hooked you, a narcissist will strategically start dictating the rules of the game. Sometimes it appears as if they are making up their own idiosyncrasies in order to separate themselves from the ordinary, as that is one of  their greatest fears. Again, he might start out with something small. In my case, my narcissist refused to close the bathroom door when using it. Shortly thereafter he removed all the locks on our bedroom doors, removing all our privacy and defenses. These types of actions speak directly to the narcissists’ lack of respect for others boundaries, because we are all here to serve them, they reign superior. Countless women have revealed to me how their narcissist would take such pleasure in walking in on them while they were using the bathroom or some other vulnerable act.  Mine, reveled in the fact that I was ill while pregnant. I would beg to be left alone while I vomited but he refused and would sit on the tub smiling, while I hurled into the commode.

Feeding Frenzy

4. With all their grandiose talk, it is surprising to learn that narcissists actually suffer from a very low self esteem. This is why they contrive stories about their pasts and their current situations, their reality is actually bleak. A narcissists insecurities are raging thus their constant need to feed off others.  Narcissists continually need an audience and rarely fail to disappoint their viewers as they are typically very dramatic and command center stage. Narcissists use this attention to boost their crumbling sense of self worth and ride high on that collective energy.

The Reviews Are In

5. If you have found yourself to be one of those audience members, beware should you decide to release a negative review or leave their performance. Narcissists abhor criticism, no matter its delivery or intent.  Their ego’s are extremely  fragile and precious to them and when bruised, expect payback. Should you choose to leave them, be prepared to loose everything you hold dear. They have no moral limits and a narcissist will use whatever they can to destroy you. I have often likened a narcissist to a hornet, if you discover one is near it is best to leave their space quickly. If you stay and defend yourself you better kill the menace, because if you swat and miss it will attack full force, even if it means their own demise.

Revenge

5. Narcissists are master manipulators and they must employ their powers of persuasion to keep you from leaving. These powers include, but most certainly are not limited to, their delusions of grandeur, trickery and preying on any insecurities you might have. The latter is probably the most chilling because narcissists hone in on what we are most vulnerable to. When my narcissistic eX husband sensed my plans to leave, he threatened my home, my career, my family and eventually used my child as a pawn in his pursuit of  revenge.

Owning it

6. Finally, if you have come to the conclusion that it’s all your narcissists fault, think again. Believe it or not  if you have found yourself involved with a narcissist and are having difficulties separating yourself, you have actually attracted them into your life. That’s right, narcissists prey on the weak, like hyenas who lurk in the bushes keeping watch for the injured, needy and fearful. Narcissists also look for those, like myself,  who tend to avoid conflict and often think the best of people, even when warned about them. Once you allow a narcissist to capture you they begin indoctrinating you with their rules, terms and games. The fear you once had is manifested through continued neglect, making you doubt your own self worth and suddenly they become the panacea for all your trials. Initially, you will be confused by a narcissists behavior but over time you will become conditioned to accept their reality as your own.

I am never an advocate for divorce, however if you have come to the stark realization that you are married to a narcissist, the only thing you can do is get out quick. They will destroy you from the inside out and their motives and means are often too sinister to recognize before it is too late. Narcissists never get better, are never satisfied and will never put your needs before their own agendas.

Why? Because the holidays suck. There I said it, holidays for the divorced with children are usually filled with grief, loss, guilt and intense competition. By chiding the cranberry sauce I hoped the fact that I was all alone on such a big “family day” would quickly pass and my pity party would end, but no amount of seaweed salad could suppress my sadness.

I am one of those women who got the short end of the custody stick. I do all the grunt work while my eX enjoys the holiday bliss with my children. I do all the heavy lifting, to include getting up early to feed, wash, dress and hurry the kids out the door to school each and every weekday.  I am also the one to plow through homework, peas and flossing often met with tears and frustration on both ends. We “primary custodial parents,” get the unrelenting joy of shuffling kids to and from school, soccer practice, ballet lessons, doctor visits, field trips, church and the oh so fun dental exams. The co-parent (yea right) gets to sleep late, make pancakes, play video games, watch football and buy an endless amount of crap to endear them to their young. They never have to concern themselves with their children’s dental hygiene, college fund, fiber intake or times tables. Co-parenting for them means simply having fun with no regard for the mundane and unappreciated tasks of being the primary parent. Our roles, although necessary, are truly unappreciated and uninspiring. Drill sergeant, tutor, trainer, chauffeur, chef, therapist, personal assistant, ATM machine…these titles receive more respect than “primary parent”.

So is it worth it? Is it worth losing my children every Christmas to be rid of my eX. It’s a question I have asked myself over and over and the answer is always yes, even while I sit in the fetal position in my closet clinging to my chopsticks. Every holiday I have images of my child sitting at a table full of family and friends with a twinkle in his eye and a drumstick in his hand, adoringly staring up into is fathers eyes.  Or sitting near a roaring fire, feverishly unwrapping presents, sipping on eggnog and singing carols by the piano. It’s very painful to imagine as I choke down another California role, but also very far from reality. The truth is I know that family and once endured the holidays with them and it was anything but holiday merriment but rather a clinical study of family dysfunction. The typical attendees would include the grandparents and their dueling carnival style facial hair, the atheist uncle, the narcissistic eX and the hillbilly kissin’ cousins. A day riddled with awkward conversation, used toys, unmet expectations and over cooked poultry. The whole debacle usually ended in a drunken brawl while the coon hounds feasted on the Rocky mountain oyster stuffing.  I was miserable and truth be known, so are my children, and that should be my focus.

So I am bidding my solace adieu and savoring the last of my pickled ginger while I prepare my letter to Santa which reads:

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a reality check and the selflessness to focus on my childrens’ holiday and not my own.

Domo arigato,

Gen. David Petraeus resigned as head of the CIA due to an extramarital affair.

One busy night after the kids had gone to bed, I settled into my well-worn spot on the sofa for some mind-numbing television.

“Can you believe this guy?” I asked my husband, seated in his favorite recliner beside me. When no answer was forthcoming, I glanced over to witness an all-too-familiar scene: Deeply imbedded in the recliner’s cushions lay my husband of 19 years, sound asleep.

Normally, I would giggle, turn the lights out around him and go to bed – a sort of revenge for being “abandoned” for the umpteenth time. He’d eventually wake up alone in the dark and trudge upstairs to find me tee-heeing under the covers of our bed.

But on this particular night, I gawked at my dreaming husband as if I was seeing this for the first time. Is this the man I married?

Panic gripped my soul as I realized: We’ve changed. We’re tired, boring, predictable. We’re doomed.

In the Beginning

One evening in 1992, my husband-to-be and I were at an Italian café in Pittsburgh, sipping wine and falling in love.

“I really want to travel,” I said. “Me too,” he said. “I want to live near the ocean,” he said. “Me too,” I said. “I don’t care about money, I just want happiness,” he said. “Me too!” I said. It was a match made in heaven and our future was destined to be perfect.

But maybe if we’d understood the reality of marriage our conversation would have been different: “I might have a lot of stretch marks,” I should’ve said. “That’s okay, we’ll just dim the lights,” he might’ve said. “I’m going to go bald, but ironically, hair will sprout out of my ears and nose,” he should’ve said. “I’m good with tweezers,” I might’ve said. “I have no mechanical ability whatsoever, and will feel no embarrassment if my wife handles all the home repairs,” he should’ve said. “I won’t have a problem with that for the first ten years or so, but then I’ll get really fed up,” I really wish I’d said.

But back then, we weren’t thinking about annoying habits, taxes and clogged drains. We were too busy planning our perfect life to be bothered with reality.

Our unrealistic expectations persisted after we were engaged. “Oh pardon me!” my fiancé yelped after accidentally belching. Although he insisted he would never expel any kind of gas in front of me, it didn’t take long to erode his steely resolve. Today, expelling gas is almost commonplace and happens as soon as the urge beckons. Mid-sentence, under the covers, in the recliner. “Why do you have to burp while I am talking to you?” I’ve said. “I didn’t burp,” he’s said, sincerely oblivious.

Before marriage, I preened and pampered my fiancé like a primate, manicuring nails and plucking stray hairs to maintain his ruggedly handsome good looks. I thought this giddy nurturing stage would last forever; I had no idea that those stray hairs would later multiply so profusely that our grooming sessions now take place in the garage and involve the leaf blower. The pedicures have become completely intolerable because my husband’s left piggie toe now resembles a tiny hoof. One of the kids recently asked him if it was made out of wood. I had to draw the line somewhere.

Are We Doomed?

So what am I saying? Are we doomed because we haven’t met our premarital expectations?

That night as I watched my husband dozing, I realized something very important: We did not meet our original expectations, we’ve exceeded them. Back when we were dreaming of a life of romance uninhibited by responsibility, stress, and aging, we couldn’t fully comprehend the complexity and depth of the marital relationship.

What we didn’t understand then is that romance is more than candlelight dinners and adventurous travel. The foundation of long-term romance is really commitment, companionship and comfort.

Realizing this, my initial repulsion at the sight of my sleeping husband turned to adoration. And as I turned the lights out and sneaked upstairs to wait for him to wake up alone in the dark, I felt happy that our marriage is on an unexpected course to paradise.

About The Author

Lisa Smith Molinari dishes up a heaping helping of hilarious and heartwarming stories about marriage, parenting and military life. Her syndicated humor column appears in newspapers, Stars & Stripes Military Moms website, Military Spouse magazine, and on her blog.

“It’s all untrue, it’s all untrue,” Chris Workman, Winter’s mother, told People magazine. “I have my doctor’s letter that my daughter’s never been abused.”

Last month, the Los Angeles Superior Court judge placed Winter temporarily under the guardianship of her sister, Shanelle Gray.

It has been recently reported that the Ms. Workman  allegedly slapped Winter and has continually abused her emotionally;  her mother has been ordered to stay away from her. Ariel will remain in her sisters care until a November 20th custody hearing.

From before my son was even born, I nurtured him, read to him, prayed for him, sang to him and loved him. Once he was born, I nursed him, cuddled him, stared at him, slept on the floor next to his crib, played peek-a-boo just to get a belly laugh from him, protected him, churched him and loved him. When he was a toddler, I played with him, taught him to speak, to sing, to pray, and to dance. I taught him to fly a kite, to ride a horse, to roller skate, to boogie board and to sit quietly and watch the sunset on my lap at the beach. I have spent most waking hours, like many mothers, planning my children’s meals, cleaning their rooms, doing their laundry, picking up their toys, planning their days, reading stories and trying to capture all the joys of their youth. However, for women in custody battles, those simple chores and joys are always over shadowed by the dread of what is lurking in the corner: Evil sometimes in the form of attorneys, courts, judges, accusations, allegations, and finally the “decision.” Since starting this site, I have read so many horror stories similar to my own; it terrifies me that, in less than two months, my son could possibly become forcibly estranged from his brothers, his loving stepfather and me, his mommy. The terror that the courts inflict on the weak seems so unjust and misdirected that sometimes it feels like hell on earth. Do you feel this way? If so, how are you coping? Please share your story, there are so many of us out here who need support, advice, and acknowledgement.

If you are not ready to share, that’s okay too and regardless if you are religious or not, I would like to share a prayer that my friend Tina posted on her site http://www.onemomsbattle.com/

You’re braver than you know: People may tell you that you’re taking the “easy way out” by divorcing, but it takes an incredible amount of courage to go through the divorce process and try to make a better life for yourself, your kids and your spouse. There’s a good chance it’s the best thing for everyone involved, so be proud of the bravery in your decision.

Telling your children: It will be even harder than you expect and you’ll have to explain it more than once, especially if they’re younger. Try to share the news with your spouse and don’t blame each other or your children. Consider getting advice from a therapist prior to telling the kids, and be prepared for a range of emotions from your children.

People will tell you they’ve had a bad feeling about your spouse: You’ll ask them why they didn’t say anything, only to get a response about it not being “their place.” This information isn’t helpful or supportive—feel free to tell your close friends that.

Friends will take sides: The hardest part is seeing friends that you genuinely shared take sides. Be prepared to lose a few friends you thought would keep, because your ex will probably lose a few friends as well. Surround yourself with people that remain your good friend, regardless of your divorce.

Find ways to be kind to yourself: Divorce brings guilt and you may try to blame yourself. It’s not all your fault, if at all. Take care of yourself through this stressful time: go for walks, spend time with friends, get a message, or see a therapist. Do what works for you.

Seeing your kids on a schedule will feel wrong: But then you’ll all get used to it. You will miss them and the house will feel empty, but you’ll get used to the schedule and it will get easier.

You’ll want to date again: It will be insanely weird at first, but it may be a lot of fun. Let it happen in the right timing. Be responsible and safe, but have fun dating! It’s healthy.

Divorce is a thousand little goodbyes: You’ll get through all the “big goodbyes” and think it’s over, but then you’ll miss the first family event with your former in-laws or your child’s first Christmas Eve without you and it will start all over again. Give yourself some space to take it then and then let it go. You’ll get used to it and you’ll keep making memories with your new and old family.

It will be hard not to bad-mouth your ex to your kids: But don’t do it. Your kids will still love your ex and it won’t help either relationship to be the parent trying to pull them away from your ex. Present a united front with your ex and commit to not tearing him/her down in front of your children.

You’ll wonder why you stayed so long: You’ll wonder why you put up with so much and accepted things as “just being part of marriage.” But remember this: marriages fall apart slowly. You accept one thing and then another, and you keep hoping things will get better. You made a change once you knew you had to, and that’s what counts.

It gets better: Healing takes time. Probably sooner than you imagine, you’ll realize this is the life you’ve been waiting for; and it will feel right. Make the most of your new life. You deserve it.

About The Author

Contributed By ivillage.com & Dishon & Block Divorce Attorneys

My husband and I have been together for 4 years we have a 22 month old son who is the light of my life. We live in Los Angeles and all of our family is back in the midwest. When I got pregnant I was just getting started making a name for myself on set doing hair for big budget films and my SO was waiting tables and going after his dream of being an actor. We discussed a plan for what we would do once the baby was born because we have no family here to help and we don’t make enough for nanny,babysitter etc. We decided that I would take a break from working on set and that I would start doing any clients at their home while he would look for a better paying job but continue to go after his acting dream. I have always been very supportive of his dream and agreed that I would stay at home with our son and would schedule my clients before and after he worked. Fast forward to now (almost 2 years later) and he STILL hasn’t found a better job he STILL hasn’t landed any (paying) acting roles and we are financially at rock bottom. Since my son was born I have had to come up with 1/2 the money for everything rent,bills etc And take care of our son 24/7 I have to make $1000 a month to just cover my 1/2 of rent and household bills that doesn’t include my cell phone, insurance, gas groceries etc. If one of my clients would decide they no longer wanted to have their hair done I would be screwed. I’m not able to go get another job or pick up extra hours because I have to take care of our son. His excuse is that if he gets a “9-5″ job then he won’t be able to audition as often. He thinks I have no stress and that I have the “luxury” of staying home and scheduling my clients when I want. I have tried to make him see that it’s not a “luxury” it’s a neccity because I can’t take my son with me to work and that if anything I’m DOUBLE stressed because not only am I a SAHM I’m also a working mom because I HAVE to be and I HAVE to make my half of the money. I don’t mind being a team player.. I have told him over and over get a better job that makes more money so we can put our son in day care a couple days a week and then I can work more and help more with the income. We are at the point where living paycheck to paycheck isn’t cutting it… I want to cut our loses and move back closer to our family who can help us with our son so we can be more stable and provide our son with the best life that he deserves. my SO doesn’t want to move cause he doesn’t want to give up on acting.. In my view he is being so selfish it isn’t about him anymore it is about our son now!! This has caused a disconnect between us so large that I’m scared our relationship will never be mended.. I feel I’m close to an emotional breakdown this is not how I wanted my life to be.. I don’t like the person I have become.. When I look at him I feel angry all the time and full of resentment toward him.. I gave up my dream career so he could continue to go after his but he hasn’t done any of the things we talked about..

I guess my question is.. Is it wrong of me to feel that because of our situation he should step up and be responsible for making some more money? I really want to pack up my son and go home to my parents so I can get back on my feet and provide for my son by myself if I have to. He says that I’d be takin our son away from him and he says he wont allow that… But if he is insisting on staying out here in the conditions we are in now I can’t do it anymore. He is a good dad and I don’t want to separate him from our son but if he isn’t going to change things I will have to and the only place I know I can go is home to my parents.

Thank you for reading this and sorry if I rambled on im just so upset and don’t know what to do.. I want to what is best for my sweet little boy who is the only reason I’m still sane right now!! Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated!!